My Sweet Marie

Rules to Fighting Fair

Posted on: May 27, 2011

Yesterday a good friend was sharing with me a story about a young couple they knew, married only nine months and they are separated!  I don’t even know this couple, never met them but I felt so sad. I guess there was a lot of fighting and I thought this is what I need to blog about today. I know so many young couples, newly married or about to get married so hopefully they are reading and learning from this! If you know a couple that needs help in this department, please share with them. Let’s make this world a little more peaceful place, bit by bit. Feel free to share my blog site with your friends/family on twitter, Facebook or e-mail.

Denis and I have been married for 30 years, in this time we have argued once or twice, ok maybe a few more times than that! I learned very early on in our marriage that yelling really bothered Denis. He would shut down as soon as I started the banshee act, and I thought to myself “Self, this ain’t working for me”, so…

Rule#1 – No Yelling!!! It accomplishes nothing, you can get your point across simply by speaking in an even tone and more than likely he/she will listen longer. If you feel you are losing your partner, their eyes are no longer focused, think where is my voice tone? Keep your tone low and you will hold their attention.

Rule#2 – No Name Calling!  This is not a way to treat people you love, use simple statements like… I feel ____, I need ____, Will you please ___, etc. Name calling is hurtful and accomplishes nothing but anger. Use verbs like need, feel, want, like etc.

Rule #3 – State your needs! – I am so tired of people whining about this or that about their mate and he/she doesn’t even know they feel this way. Tell you partner exactly what you’d like to have happen. For example, Please put the toilet seat down when you are finished! There done, easy. If he needs a why, try this.. I need the toilet seat down because when I get up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, I am in a coma and don’t appreciate the butt dip! Especially if you were the last one to use it and you did not flush! This should clear up the dilemma real quick, if not, I suggest a nice wet snuggle with him when you get back to bed, I’m thinking tomorrow night it’ll be down! Sorry I digress…

Rule #4 – Never, ever impose your will/strength on your wife.  This says it all but bares repeating. There is never an occasion where it is ok for a man to impose his will on a woman, not physically or emotionally. Never. No excuses, it’s not right. Nor it is ok for a woman to poke her finger in her husbands chest knowing he won’t fight back, (he was raised better than that!), keep your hands to yourself at all times, well…when fighting anyhow!

Rule#5 – Chill Out! Sometimes arguments get heated, there is nothing wrong to taking a step back and either of you saying I need a minute to cool off. Go do whatever relaxes you, walk, garden, fish whatever…but do promise each other to discuss the subject further and come to an agreeable conclusion. Do not chase your husband/wife out the door if he needs a breather, let him/her cool off, it’s ok!  The key is to come to an agreement eventually and that’ll be much easier if cool heads prevail.

Rule#6 – Never fight in front of the kids, it changes who they are. – I know we did really well with this rule over the years as not that long ago, at dinner Melanie, our youngest said to us, “remember that time you guys were fighting”…and I OK she only saw us fight once, that’s not so bad. Denis and I are known for our evening walk, sometimes it has been used to air out our issues and being out in the public helps keep you to the rules too!

So if you have fighting issues, please practise with these rules, it takes time and over time it does get better and easier to know when is a good time to discuss matters with your partner. Feel free to comment and add to the rules!

My wish for you all today is peace in your home.

Sincerest regards,

Sweet Marie

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2 Responses to "Rules to Fighting Fair"

one thing to say babe sister,this is all great advice,have a great weekend………

Yes my rules are easier said then done, for sure! We didn’t wake up one day and say ok from now on we’re going to fight fair, no, we worked at it, a lot! We rarely fight at all anymore because we can have a discussion without the other getting hot. Knowing the touchy spots help!

It takes both partners to make these rules work. Both have to agree to them all!

Another rule I forgot to put on there is to not bring up old ‘shit’, don’t say “Oh yeah well last week you did blah lah blah” When you deal with an issue, there is no need to bring it up again! that’s why you deal with them right away!

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